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"I've Experienced Pure Awareness & I'm Underwhelmed"

Updated: May 2, 2023

Greetings beloved being of love and light. One thing that often happens with the people I help is that, they may eventually get a brief glimpse of pure awareness/nothingness/oneness in meditation, yet they are underwhelmed. They ask, “Is that it?”, and they then say they prefer to know themselves as an ego as it is more interesting.

Firstly, let’s clarify that the aim is not just to meditate and stay in nothingness your whole life and ignore creation. Meditation helps you see through the illusions of your ego and the outside world in order to discover the truth of oneness; that is, there is only one consciousness/awareness that permeates all things. There is only you, and the whole of creation is just an illusion you have created for yourself for entertainment. Meditation helps you remember this so that when you come back to play in the illusion, you can take things a lot less seriously. By remembering your eternal nature, you no longer have to fear anything as you go about life. By realising that there is no goal, purpose or meaning to creation, you can allow yourself to be more playful and enjoy life.

People may say that they prefer life believing that they are their ego, but it is these same people that come to me for help because they are experiencing a lot of suffering in life. When you believe that you are your ego and that you are separate from others and from the rest of creation, life is extremely intense. There are intense highs and lows. In order to experience as much entertainment as possible, the Divine wanted to make sure the illusion was really believable. By believing the illusion is real, it allows you to experience intense emotions. The emotions you feel create such entertainment for the Divine within you. Yet there comes a time when the Divine has had enough of the intensity of 3D life, and wants to have a different experience of life. This is the point that you start to spiritually awaken.

When you spiritually awaken, you gradually remember the truth of oneness. By remembering oneness, the experience you have of life becomes different. You no longer take life seriously and you no longer fear anything. You become more playful, and you shift from survival mode to service-to-others mode. Life is no longer intense; you’ll be in a constant state of peace, joy and love because you will have remembered the truth. People think that the awakened state is like feeling a positive emotion all the time, but that’s not true. Emotions are intense, short-term and conditional. The awakened state is more gentle, permanent and unconditional. As people get further into their awakening journey, they start feeling less emotions, and they initially think that something is wrong. This is because all egos are addicted to feeling something, anything, even if it’s negative. Emotions allow your illusory ego to feel alive. Without emotions, your ego feels like it is no more. As a result, egos label those who don’t experience much emotion as soulless or dead or robotic or boring. In a way, this is true; for you to move beyond emotions, the ego must die (in the sense that you realise it was never actually real), and all that is left is the real you. If someone doesn’t experience much emotion, it means they have disassociated from their ego, and have remembered their true, divine nature. I am not talking here about those who suppress emotions, but those who don’t experience many emotions arising within them.

Even as you read this, I’m sure your ego is telling you that being emotionless is a negative thing. But there are only two options of how you can go through life — either you feel intense emotional ups and downs, or you remain in a constant state of peace. Egos of course want the intense emotional highs without the lows but this is impossible. The highs only exist because of the lows. Peaks only exist because of the troughs. Hills only exist because of the valleys. Pleasures only exist because of the pains. You can’t have one without the other. It often takes people experiencing so much suffering before they realise they’ve had enough of the egoic life, and they then start to pursue the path that leads to the emotionless awakened state of peace, love and joy. Whenever you hear an enlightened person speak, they never speak out of emotion yet you sense their strong love. Clearly, there is a higher form of love that doesn’t involve emotion. In fact, you can only share true love when your ego and emotion do not get in the way.

When you experience nothingness/awareness/oneness, notice how you feel. Notice the peaceful state. Notice the complete relaxation of your being. Notice how it feels like you have returned home. Think about what it means that there is only you, there only ever has been you, and there only ever will be you. Notice the sense of wonder you have of yourself. If you are all the humans, plants, animals, planets and stars, you must be so divine, perfect and full of beauty. You have the power to create anything. Marvel at yourself. By pretending to be this illusory ego, you are able to experience all aspects of yourself from this unique perspective. You are everything yet you can pretend to be just one character — how amazing is that? How could you not fall in love with yourself? How could you possibly feel underwhelmed? And who is it that is underwhelmed at oneness? Oneness is not underwhelmed at oneness. It can only be the ego that is underwhelmed at oneness. The ego feels underwhelmed because the ego wants to feel special, yet when you experience oneness, you realise that there is no one else, so you cannot be special because there is no one to compare yourself to. So of course your ego is going to make you feel like oneness is not great and that it is better to believe that you are your ego as then you can still believe in the illusion that you are special compared to others.

But once you have seen the truth, you are no longer able to believe the lies of the ego. Once you have tasted oneness, you will find yourself trying to return to that state more and more, even if your ego feels underwhelmed. And once you have experienced oneness enough times, you will no longer need to meditate to remember that all is one, all is you, all is love. When you can go about your day with the knowing that this is all an illusion, then you will know what true joy, love and peace is.

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